I think I love you...

I thought i had gotten over you,
comforted by a glass of bourbon,
but there you were again, dressed in black,
and before i knew i was back to square one.

I don't know what locked my stare,
but something just clicked inside me,
you were standing there watching, smiling,
it was like a living fantasy.

we talked, we shared,
we laughed and cared,
challenged the limits as far as i dared,
my vision emotionally impaired.

I know not why i fell for you,
I don't have much to give,
maybe i was not thinking straight,
or maybe i just wanted to live.

I know the problem is with me somewhere,
'coz you are too good to be true,
i don't know how to bring this out,
but i think i love you.

158

One sip at the glass of tea, one drag at the cigarette in hand and my mind started doing the only thing I ever refrain it from.

Thinking….

The problem with me is that I don’t like studying. And that kinda sucks ‘coz m supposed to be student. Now the fact of the matter is, I was a bit down that day. Some stuff in college I guess. So my mind started thinking all sorts of stupid things like my first smoke, my first visit to hell, my counseling, my AIEEE score….. And there it stopped. Somehow, my mind and my parents always tend to keep reminding me that I pretty much screwed up my AIEEE score.

158.

But the good part is my heart. It’s pretty much the only thing about me that doesn’t make me feel guilty. So my heart, it took me just one fleeting moment back in time. My AIEEE examination day. And it all came flashing back. There I was again in that shabby old building, on that small bench where my legs would barely fit, silently staring at the paper in front of me and slowly nibbling my pencil.

And then I remembered it. The reason I screwed up my paper. It was simple. I got BORED. I got so damn bored staring at the paper in front of me and feeling utterly helpless that I slammed down the pencil, folded up the paper, submitted and left the invigilator gawking at me. There were still 20 minutes for the time to be officially over.

Anyhow, the results came some months later. And there it was. Flashing on the computer screen in front of me – 158 – the three bold digits that ruined my life. Naturally, after the routine harassment by my parents, I was left alone in the room with the dot-matrix printer mocking me with its screechy hum and the computer screen, silently laughing.

Then came the counseling. Boy, that was by far the worst day of my life. I hated the long waiting queue. I hated the warm atmosphere. I hated the people who were conducting the procedure. I hated everything. Finally my turn came to sit in front of the computer and decide where to waste the next four years of my life. And that’s when I saw that I could not opt for VNIT, Nagpur because some sonofabitch had just taken the last seat. His score was 159.

That really pissed me off. I mean one mark? One frikkin mark. What does one mark even count for? But the damage had been done. I had been allotted a sodding NIT Raipur. One mark. It was just one mark that dragged me to hell.

The rest was a blur. I lost interest in living. I lost interest in studies. Hell, I became a below average student. But then after one year passed, I realized something. If I had to waste four years of my life here, why not make something out of it. So I started living. I started looking. And when I looked, I found something, some people, some very special things.

I learned that “tears”, in fact, are applicable to each n every situation of life. I learned that “anger management” does not apply to everyone. I learned that not caring about what “others” want you to be like is actually another way of living life. But more than everything, what I learned was that friendship is the best thing in life. Without friends, u will always feel like jumping off a cliff. But WITH friends, at least you have somebody to jump with.

And now, when there is only half a year left to waste, I feel like it should have just started. When I didn’t want to come here, they forced me to and now when I’m in love with the place, they are taking me away? That’s not fair.

But the good part is, at least I have learnt something important in this time. I learnt that one mark can actually make a huge difference. Sometimes, ONE sodding mark can make you start believing again. As soon as I felt the sharp sting of cigarette burn on my hand, I was back. I set down the empty glass, paid and moved on. Smiling to myself and wondering what would have happened had I GOT that ONE FRIKKIN MARK.

Happy Birthday...

Before this blessed day runs out,
I had to give this thought one last shout,
Still confused about what i should say,
So starting by again wishing a very Happy Birthday.

May the series of joy in your life never end,
Thanks for giving me a chance to be your friend,
May you get whatever you wish on this day,
May this be your best-ever birthday.

I have no gifts, no chocolates to spare,
But this is what i can ACTUALLY share,
I know it is no eternal bliss,
Still wish you many more birthdays like this.

I used to wish I had met you on the very first day,
Now I just wish if you could forever stay,
I think I am getting carried away,
So here I end wishing you a Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday Buddy...

Friends...

Sitting on the roof under the bright starry night,
Silently wishing to not have had that fight;
I drifted off into the memoirs of my past,
Remembering the five people closest to my heart.

The first person was a girl,
Who used to live next door;
True and innocent you were,
And all i did all along was ignore;
I realise what a fool i have been,
All i request is a chance, just one more.

The second is a guy, my best friend so far,
All i can say is m lucky to have you mate;
Thick as peas we are, i think,
Be it coincidence, karma or simply fate;
Befriending you is the best thing i have done,
One decision, m sure i'd never regret.

The third is a girl i met in college,
Talkative, sweet and crazy as hell;
I know distances have crept between us,
But somehow i still hope all is well;
Stay like this, never change,
And we both will have a tale to tell.

The fourth, quite opposite, is a perfect girl,
Quiet, innocent, a bit shy if i might say;
Always wishing the well being of others,
And always smiling your griefs away;
We'll be together till the end of time, you wish,
Till death do us apart is what i pray.

The fifth person is someone i have known,
From the past 5 years if i'm not wrong;
Even though we have been talking for wot? 6 months?
I knew you would be a great friend, all along;
I still can't believe we fought over me taking your number,
But yea.. i know it was wrong.

By now all five of you must know m talking about you,
And smiling inwardly for the same;
Its you people that complete me, make me live,
Give me the strength to say "I'm game".

Thank you guys.. this one's for you.. :)

A friend that i never got...

I didn't know you when we met,

I couldn't understand.

Mistook you for my driving force,

My only helping hand.

Thought that there was none better,

Than this person i had found.

For you i could sacrifice anything,

Even my existence on this ground.

Have you ever sat on a winter evening,

And seen the lazy ocean hug the shore?

That's the closeness i felt for you,

And i wanted nothing more.

You said you'll be my best friend,

And i got all my silly hopes high.

How was i to see through all this pretence,

And know that all this was one big lie.

I wanted you to know everything,

Anything that could be shared.

If you had no intention of ever liking me,

why did you act as if you cared.

Why didn't you tell me the truth,

"Why" is all i ask.

Why don't you end it for once and all,

Please take off this mask.

Sometimes i feel its better to end this journey,

And start saying our goodbyes.

But then past memories fill up my heart,

And finally splash out through my eyes.

I still smile thinking about you,

You rest in my every thought.

I thought you were the best possible friend i could ever get,

When, in fact, you were a friend that i never got.

Happy Father's Day..

you were there from the beginning

you promised to be there till the end

you may not have been the closest

but you were my oldest friend.

you were there to feed me at midnight

you were there when i cried

to take me to parks and hold my hand

all the way through the rides.

i saw the world from atop your shoulders

and you never complained

you put up with all my demands

how much ever they sounded insane.

you were afraid and held my hand

when we were in a crowd

i am sorry if i have not been able to till now

but one day, dad,i promise i'll make you proud.

i never realised how lonely i am without you

that was until this very day

and with all these emotions flowing out of me

i wish you a very happy father's day.

PS: Dad, i hope this poem serves as the prelude to an apology of all the wrongs i have done so far.. :)

Four-leaved clover

Do you remember the day we first met?
you were dressed in a sparkling blue
a dash of green with a hint of pink
it was just too good to be true.

The smile when you said "hi" was so cute
i could have given anything for it
i could have sky-dived without a parachute
and not regret it, not one bit.

Days rolled by and years passed
you became my four-leaved clover.
how could i have known at that time
that soon it will all be over?

One fine day you walked up to me
and said that you weren't well.
you looked pretty fine and i did not see
how could i possibly not tell?

The sun grew dim and the lights went out
i was left weeping on the street.
my friend was gone, my love dethroned
i couldn't get back on my feet.

I know i never was the person you wanted
but i didn't want it to be over.
i still miss you at night and cry to god
give me back my four-leaved clover?

It Hurts....

Sometimes life seems impossible
there's no one to go to
you seem the only hope
then you turn your face away too.

You may not realise it then
but it hurts..

Sometimes all the paths go dark
All the doors closed
you seem the perfect one
every factor predisposed.

A simple "no" may mean nothing to you
but it hurts..

Sometimes life gets too unfair
all i want to do is run far away.
your hand is the only thing that holds me back
silently wishing if i could just stay.

Not giving that hand may be just another gesture to you
but it hurts..

Sometimes a little "sorry" is all it takes
to heal the age-old scars.
was it too difficult for you to say it?
or was i wrong in believing those stars?

Not saying "sorry" may make you feel better
but it hurts..

It hurts..